I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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