i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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