They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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