I accidentally had phone sex last night
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have fence marks all over my body
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
