just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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