No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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