He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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