Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How does one acquire holy water?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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