I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
