never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
