why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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