I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can text with my tongue
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
