am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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