if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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