he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
