Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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