i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
