Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
