when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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