I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
