see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
