My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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