I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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