The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
