bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!