I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
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Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
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It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her