chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.