FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.