You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
