i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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