i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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