Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
