Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
