Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
