the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
