angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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