Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
