Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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