I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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