Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
