The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
