You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
