Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
