Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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