what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
