I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
