He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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