My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
