I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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