barbara walters just said penis...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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