If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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