I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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