Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
