It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
