My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
