If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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