i don't like sucking hair
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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