well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.