Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
