I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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