First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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