when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
