What a fucking waste of an outfit
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
