You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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